Orphans, Omissions, and Stretching for home

Crisp wind over a quiet night
the wind chime rings like jazz
the choir of friendly smiles
a chorus line of self doubt
we are running from death
like the second hand chasing the hour
never seeing the events
till Paradise is ashes

the sky begs for our songs
while the cold ground calls for brittle bones

thank God for magic & giggles
and love so sure of itself
it forgets how fragile it can be
thankful for shattered dreams
and the restoration in tear drops

crash landings in hurried penmanship
the escape route
and picture perfect skylines across
balcony ledges
we don’t leap from

nothing makes sense
every time you hear it
and seldom do the dancing partners
match perfect
during the opening numbers
we are lucky to know how many steps
it takes to reach the landing
falling forward grabbing onto the banister
is far more common place
landing face first into lonely holidays
and visiting room promissory notes

we are adept at excuses
more drinks
and saying things before we mean them
the string section shouldn’t compete with the percussion
and you shouldn’t leave the house without directions

I’m thankful for the lost times
that brought me home again
for the love I never asked for
and for the last kiss before she stopped meaning
I love you when she said I love you
Grateful for the times I knew this would be the last time
I fell this hard for anything
just to plummet from higher heights
the next time
around the rose petals and ring bearers
this life makes less sense
from atop the caviler Cavalry horses
no matter how much the front line
was assured death things seemed more simple
and at least it was quicker to be done and over
the suffering from the silent isolation
and lack of water is agony
& the torture feels so unwarranted
no matter how much you deserve to be alone.

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“November musing or Report Card Catalog entries”

I pray you a redemption song
to escort you into nirvana
promise you that all is forgiven
even the grace you can’t afford
there is no big boss in heaven
with a bullwhip to get you back to work
no cotton, no student loans, and any test not taken
before exiting this planet will go untaken

Your Money Can Not Save You
Death finds us all eventually

Pray you are in the process of forgiving everyone for everything
especially those demons that keep you up at night

I pray you sleep quiet & unencumbered by demons
it ought to be against the law
if it isn’t already against the law
there needs to be less laws and more forgiveness
but the blood, and prison light fixtures cost money

they will tell you about the crowns
even in a false monarchy
the Maybachs, cognac, and red bottoms
at the soul of their shoes
won’t fit in the caskets
even the richest kingdom comes to rot
eventually
they will speak your name
in eulogies everything you hold up as proof
of your worthiness will be passed around to strangers

you are a strange tribe of mortals
whore mongers, greedy, and vainglorious
taking but never giving
giving just to take more
pay closer attention
the funeral procession route will be cleared
by sirens
you should have a line of cars so long
they have to stop the Street Car from being on schedule
don’t be late even when God changes your schedule
and life makes a detour into oncoming traffic
you should traffic love thy neighbor
like wheat, whiskey, and Christmas wishes
there is no clemency in prison work songs
and less penance in the penitentiary choir recitals
the politicians want your votes to win elections
and the poets & preachers want your money

it’s enough to make you drink sometimes
you should drink sometimes
and talk reckless in the first draft
but more subdued at the inauguration
the commencement speeches will not
keep you from being swallowed by the darkness
the Boll weevil eat the crop without concern
of the fair market value
you should value your life’s work
like its your religion but know that God
won’t ask you for your resume
when its your turn to face the final curtain & goodnight.

Anxious Love Songs

My peace of mind is trembling
the unfolding & recitation of scriptures
promising myself
not another
never again

be careful
loving can be frightening
like juggling chainsaws
she is sharp edges & brass knuckles
her eyes
make an accounting
of my surrender
she calls my name & I answer
first ring, last text message, DM/Inbox
anything she says gets repeated
and worn like sophisticated suit coats
her laughter tucked beneath my pocket square
I think she must know everything I am thinking
I am thinking she may be the answer
to questions that I have been waiting
too afraid to ask
her hair is royalty
her lips are pillow cases
her hips an introduction
her ass a feature presentation
I am front row, center stage,
waiting for show time

until I am reminded of how this all ends
how much blood I lost last time
pretending I didn’t care about
what was digging wholes into my bone marrow
not another
never again

be careful
but this feels like home
like the best Christmas
like another round of drinks
on the house the day before pay day
she suits me perfect
she fits me
she gets me
turning flips in my stomach muscles
the butterflies flutter
deep in the heart ache of me
I just want her to kiss me
close both eyes and kiss me
like she can save me
she can save me
if she would just kiss me
like she means it

I am sure she knows everything
my words
would put me in danger
I am afraid to tell her
what I am sure she knows
for fear the incantation
would break the spell and she might exit
I can’t lose this loving
not another
never again

be careful..

“rain dance”

I cursed at the wind, today
looked all of God & creation directly in the eye
and called Mother Nature a cunt
this close to my birthday
she brings snowflakes
fuck the clouds too
fucking assholes

a impudent speck,
weak, mortal, and questioning
had the audacity to talk to the infinite
with disdain

A fool’s errand is trying to bend
time to his will or make the sky do anything

Pity me my foolish nature.
Sky you have given and taken away when
you were supposed to
have brought me sunny days & thunder snow
when it was supposed to happen
I am just thankful to see your magic unfold
around me

but if it rains on my birthday,
just lets say it better not rain on my birthday
I would hate for there to be a problem…

I don’t like her, anymore…

there are far too many freckles
on her back for me to love her
when she sits in front of me in class
her hair always smells far too sweet

she doesn’t know my name
but her chin is too long so it doesn’t matter
and her butts too big,
her lips too succulent,
and she is far too hilariously funny

dudes don’t want funny chicks
boys egos can’t stand the competition

she thinks she is better than me
I think she is better at math than me
and I don’t like it

I dont like her.
I keep writing her name
on the inside of my Trapper Keeper
out of habit
did more push ups
then Chris at the bus stop
she pretended not to care
but good
I don’t like her anyway
sometimes I pray
just once
she would notice
how much I don’t like her.

Under Asked Questions?

Have you ever
shot dice
in the school yard?
Have you ever
lost your house keys
at a gang fight?

Ever swallow a cigarette butt
in a warm beer can?
Ever fall asleep in church
and start snoring?

Have you ever put your face
up against a chain link fence
to watch the 4th & 5th graders
play dodge ball with mini basketballs?
Ever thrown rocks at passing cars
from the overpass?
Have you ever ran from the school security
into oncoming traffic
trying to skip out after lunch time?

Ever get caught sneaking back into school
to ride the bus home at the end of the day?
Ever lose your faith in magic?
Have you forgotten how high your aspirations are?

Does your situation ever keep you up at night drinking
arguing with God, and making promises you can’t keep?

Ever swear this all must be some cruel joke?
Been so sure that the devil was standing behind you
you could feel his breath tickle whispers down your spine
but been to scared to turn around and look.

the windows must be closed
or the chill gets into the room sometimes
like memories, and failure, and alcoholism, and fear
Love is far too jealous to spend time arguing with you

where you are going there is only one answer
the right thing is simple because it is the right thing
the future is not the past or we would call it the past

trust me

regardless of how you answer
the screaming inside you
eventually we all get to die…

1:31am

“if I promised you there would be no tragedy, I lied”
said the moon to the sea shells
drifting past the light house
at sunrise during the hurricane

the universe started with an explosion
you started with an eruption or an erection
or a shot of whiskey and a dance
your mother would never tell you the truth about

everything that happens makes a sound
if you are quiet enough to listen
sometimes that sound is breaking glass,
fire alarms,
and the sound of blood filling your lungs

you are going to weep sometimes

that is just how this thing works
the inevitable is also the eventual
but you don’t have to make a production out of it
if you relax your arms and unknot your fist sometimes
the falling into the arms of God doesn’t hurt so much
wish she could take me to the Museum again, sometimes
wish she could tell me stories about her girlhood

this is impossible
not how any of this work

the sunset won’t slow down for you to admire it
trust me I have asked
take it slow, breath every breath, and curse
tell them exactly how you feel about things
mean every word you say
and love like every cell of your body fed on it.

I am not perfect, we can never be perfect
anyone who tells you different is lying
and should be feared like lions with two sets of teeth

remember the good parts of me
the laughs we shared
the way I smiled the night we drank so much
I fell down the stairs to the basement
be careful
the tragedies will seem like mountains
and they are mountains
but what are mountains to giants
what are tears to rivers

weep
you are supposed to

but let me hug you when it is over
and love you back to life…