Anxious Love Songs

My peace of mind is trembling
the unfolding & recitation of scriptures
promising myself
not another
never again

be careful
loving can be frightening
like juggling chainsaws
she is sharp edges & brass knuckles
her eyes
make an accounting
of my surrender
she calls my name & I answer
first ring, last text message, DM/Inbox
anything she says gets repeated
and worn like sophisticated suit coats
her laughter tucked beneath my pocket square
I think she must know everything I am thinking
I am thinking she may be the answer
to questions that I have been waiting
too afraid to ask
her hair is royalty
her lips are pillow cases
her hips an introduction
her ass a feature presentation
I am front row, center stage,
waiting for show time

until I am reminded of how this all ends
how much blood I lost last time
pretending I didn’t care about
what was digging wholes into my bone marrow
not another
never again

be careful
but this feels like home
like the best Christmas
like another round of drinks
on the house the day before pay day
she suits me perfect
she fits me
she gets me
turning flips in my stomach muscles
the butterflies flutter
deep in the heart ache of me
I just want her to kiss me
close both eyes and kiss me
like she can save me
she can save me
if she would just kiss me
like she means it

I am sure she knows everything
my words
would put me in danger
I am afraid to tell her
what I am sure she knows
for fear the incantation
would break the spell and she might exit
I can’t lose this loving
not another
never again

be careful..

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“rain dance”

I cursed at the wind, today
looked all of God & creation directly in the eye
and called Mother Nature a cunt
this close to my birthday
she brings snowflakes
fuck the clouds too
fucking assholes

a impudent speck,
weak, mortal, and questioning
had the audacity to talk to the infinite
with disdain

A fool’s errand is trying to bend
time to his will or make the sky do anything

Pity me my foolish nature.
Sky you have given and taken away when
you were supposed to
have brought me sunny days & thunder snow
when it was supposed to happen
I am just thankful to see your magic unfold
around me

but if it rains on my birthday,
just lets say it better not rain on my birthday
I would hate for there to be a problem…

I don’t like her, anymore…

there are far too many freckles
on her back for me to love her
when she sits in front of me in class
her hair always smells far too sweet

she doesn’t know my name
but her chin is too long so it doesn’t matter
and her butts too big,
her lips too succulent,
and she is far too hilariously funny

dudes don’t want funny chicks
boys egos can’t stand the competition

she thinks she is better than me
I think she is better at math than me
and I don’t like it

I dont like her.
I keep writing her name
on the inside of my Trapper Keeper
out of habit
did more push ups
then Chris at the bus stop
she pretended not to care
but good
I don’t like her anyway
sometimes I pray
just once
she would notice
how much I don’t like her.

Under Asked Questions?

Have you ever
shot dice
in the school yard?
Have you ever
lost your house keys
at a gang fight?

Ever swallow a cigarette butt
in a warm beer can?
Ever fall asleep in church
and start snoring?

Have you ever put your face
up against a chain link fence
to watch the 4th & 5th graders
play dodge ball with mini basketballs?
Ever thrown rocks at passing cars
from the overpass?
Have you ever ran from the school security
into oncoming traffic
trying to skip out after lunch time?

Ever get caught sneaking back into school
to ride the bus home at the end of the day?
Ever lose your faith in magic?
Have you forgotten how high your aspirations are?

Does your situation ever keep you up at night drinking
arguing with God, and making promises you can’t keep?

Ever swear this all must be some cruel joke?
Been so sure that the devil was standing behind you
you could feel his breath tickle whispers down your spine
but been to scared to turn around and look.

the windows must be closed
or the chill gets into the room sometimes
like memories, and failure, and alcoholism, and fear
Love is far too jealous to spend time arguing with you

where you are going there is only one answer
the right thing is simple because it is the right thing
the future is not the past or we would call it the past

trust me

regardless of how you answer
the screaming inside you
eventually we all get to die…

1:31am

“if I promised you there would be no tragedy, I lied”
said the moon to the sea shells
drifting past the light house
at sunrise during the hurricane

the universe started with an explosion
you started with an eruption or an erection
or a shot of whiskey and a dance
your mother would never tell you the truth about

everything that happens makes a sound
if you are quiet enough to listen
sometimes that sound is breaking glass,
fire alarms,
and the sound of blood filling your lungs

you are going to weep sometimes

that is just how this thing works
the inevitable is also the eventual
but you don’t have to make a production out of it
if you relax your arms and unknot your fist sometimes
the falling into the arms of God doesn’t hurt so much
wish she could take me to the Museum again, sometimes
wish she could tell me stories about her girlhood

this is impossible
not how any of this work

the sunset won’t slow down for you to admire it
trust me I have asked
take it slow, breath every breath, and curse
tell them exactly how you feel about things
mean every word you say
and love like every cell of your body fed on it.

I am not perfect, we can never be perfect
anyone who tells you different is lying
and should be feared like lions with two sets of teeth

remember the good parts of me
the laughs we shared
the way I smiled the night we drank so much
I fell down the stairs to the basement
be careful
the tragedies will seem like mountains
and they are mountains
but what are mountains to giants
what are tears to rivers

weep
you are supposed to

but let me hug you when it is over
and love you back to life…

#ForSomePussyChallenge

Nigga will cheat
for the pussy
Get his ass beat
for the pussy
Work under the table 
for the pussy
act unstable
for the pussy
bootleg cable
for the pussy

spend all his stamps
for the pussy
snitch on the camp
for the pussy
turn over a new leaf
for the pussy
change his belief
for the pussy

ride the town in a stolie
for the pussy
be a parolee
for the pussy

Get goals, borrow clothes, Amber Rose
for some pussy
won’t keep his mouth closed
for the pussy

cry, lie and die
for the pussy
go to prison she give some other guy
all the pussy

better want more
then you some pussy
learn to love someone for you fall
in some pussy
can’t get out, child support
now who’s the pussy
you can eat but can’t wear
you some pussy
better take care
or the pussy
will have you looking bad
for some pussy

surrendering shadows

At night she is loyal
arrives
dressed in light, a Goddess

My mistress
we share my passions
she knows my secrets
keeps them
hidden in a locket she wears
when the phases suit her

not her only suitor
but her jealous glances
keep me awake
staring into her eyes
At times her punctuality, ethic, and steely gaze
made lesser men call her masculine
told their children blatant lies
the cow barely made it over the farmer’s barn
the fork & spoon had a huge wedding
the little dog attended didn’t so much as giggle

She tells me I am beautiful
I am too scared to call her a liar
she warned my ancestors
when they would listen
I listen to the push and pull of her gravity
ask her question
only expecting answers

an ancient Witch dressed in only
a bright rainbow of luminescence
makes advances
the liberty of a partner ship
separated by a thin skyline
yet sharing the firmaments canvas
should have seen them
holding each other
fireworks, a diamond ring among the clouds,
the cooler winds in darker spaces
where Mother Earth shivers
while the shoreline arrives to bare witness.