“they all love me”

the pretentiousness of her words
stood manifest
she is everything wrong with me
the vibration of her bird song
cracks the sky
angels cry at her beckoning
she is flawed in all the right places
I bleed for the Timex countdown
below her breast bone
and her breast send me
traveling into a wanderlust

I am less man around her
less poetic enterprise
more 8th grade note passer
a small boy just hoping she would
pause
long enough to see me in the hurried hallway
remember my name and say it

“you aren’t the first one to want this”

she tells me
I am underneath her now
cowering in my own simple
the unworthiness she paints me
is not a common color I show people
but I know I am not everything
to her
just another
in a list of love notes
she only sings when the hour suits her fancy
she is far too fancy
for my fancy

but I can not help but admire the sun
can not help but dream about moonbeams
she is everything I should run from
my penmanship trembles out my mouth
I know I should defend myself
her dismissal seems like an attack

don’t you see me

standing here a man
with all of my believing and knowing
and waiting for god
around me
don’t you know how much a drop of my adoration
could fix all the crumbled bible pages of your
misaligned front wheel drive shaft

she sees what she wants to
I am a fool for chasing this dragon
into its mouth looking for gold
others have died here
I can see their charred bones in her eyes
the discarded notes litter the measures
of her heart song
she is beautiful they all love her
I think but

“has she ever learned to love herself”

I grab my coat and prepare myself for leaving
the naked shame of admitting
anything to her
self absorbed insensitivity
you are right, queen, they all love you
but why then are you here alone…

unreciprocated sunrises (repost from Facebook 6/30/2011)

gave you blood
you returned
apologies
force feed indignities
thoughtless diatribes
hard skin across my tenderness.
chasing you into the darkness
like running into a right cross
shattered teeth and more shed blood.
you hurt me without even trying
see me as my flaws
and compare me to warmer shores.

still my first thoughts race to you,
I hate this frustration,
wish you anthrax in your coffee
glass shards in your breakfast cereal
but that would be lying I am used to.

in reality,
I wish you could imagine me
“a musical composition”
a song that you sing perfect
take this blood
and love me like I see you
without blemish pristine and shining,
a fool am I.
You won’t love me…just judge me.
Yet with both fists running into arms
like rainbows, fleeting.
you only see my flaws,
only notice my awesome in short bursts
fickle, erratic, shifting
falling for you is more about falling
then breathing you in.
losing hours I should be concentrating
on more spells and better magic.
this is my fault not yours
you were just deciding what you want,
what you need, for dreaming.
your being wrong about everything
not knowing,
only considering the incapability,
means you were never the one
to begin with
and that I need to be more careful
for whom I shed blood.

“on purpose”

across my heart there are acres of pain
miles and miles of calloused terrain and scar tissue
700 sins ago before my dream parts rusted
when I could tell you what God looked like from memory
before love had played its hokey match
with my inner child
before the cement dried
before the towers crumbled
before this jumbled mess of man
now
less
believer,
more cynic,
less lover
more afraid
before he ever took off running,
practiced hiding
knew what failure tastes like
early in the morning
when everything is quiet and only God
is talking if you would be quiet enough to listen
he is talking…
directly to you
she still believes in you
trust me
or she would revoke your contract
with this plane of existence
begin your voyage home
for death will find you some day
hopefully busy at your life’s purpose
it will take from you your breathing
this will undoubtly cause you to panic
stay calm
take death like a slow grind prom dance
for beyond this cybernetic glass menagerie
the guitar solos are beautiful
the sun and stars are equal distances
from the big bang you are synonymous with

again

take heed to the wine
when it tells you that your spirit is enormous
ignore the pleas to slap the humongous asshole
at the end of the bar
the wine will fail you in this aspect
death can come violently
at the hands of the humongous asshole
at the end of the bar

rewire your bag pack
for safe travels
keep a pair of gloves and a tool belt
you will need protection
for the hard labor ahead
nothing will come easy
like a Sunday morning Lionel Richie tune

when the bills, promises, and contracts
are bountiful like a blizzard’s snow flakes
take heed to Karma
just once
because it is required
love so hard it makes
life bearable to suffer

be a wild child
sandbox,
toy story
for as long as it will seize you
for when it is over
they pack up the bandstand
move on to the next city

let the living be the thing
do it without abandon
on purpose
for as antiquated as it sounds
“today is the first day of the rest of your life”